“Robert Johnson”
Hologram Coffins
Commanded by the spectre of tomorrow’s cliff
the cautionary tale that provokes and stokes
caution in a small spirit:
The FEAR OF GOD will ward away your ghostly muse
You Regret, now, that Regret
The one you will, one day, Regret.
Perhaps we simply ready ourselves to waste, to lose
because that is the familiar envelope
(well-inked, cozy-lettered address
sprigs of silver,
holy water,
tiny wooden stake)
we most expect from life.
Some Other Terrible Reason
Once or twice I’ve heard
that if a person is stabbed,
or if his lungs fill up with blood
(for some Other Terrible Reason than a stabbing),
and he Dies,
that sometimes a bubble will rise up in the dying person’s throat
and out of his mouth,
sputtering and popping frothily
in one last clutching spasm of life leaving the body.
Of course, I’ve never seen this,
or a Dying Person or even a Dead Person for that matter,
only read about it
and trusted those accounts were faithful
(though who can trust any eyewitness anymore).
Still, the image won’t leave my mind somehow;
all I’ve been able to think about for days is
that bright red, glistening dome,
pulsing slowly upward
gasp by failed gasp,
betraying its doomed vessel like a
giant, terrorist zit suffocating a pore.
Like a terrible, bloody secret,
forced at last to light,
a confession spit forth involuntarily in
a mortal throe.
Every gulp betrays the Dying Person
as he struggles to stay in the world of the living,
dragging him instead deeper and deeper
into whatever maw of hell his wild, delirious panic envisions
(he was just stabbed, or his lungs are
filling with blood for some Other terrible Reason).
And then the bubble must burst
at some awful moment.
If he’s still Alive,
that pop must be a
terrible tiny sound,
a quiet (yet so loud) closing
of that window of hope
that he may come out of this
if only someone was to pick him up off the ground
and get him to an ambulance.
Some people must hear the pop,
others must go before —
or maybe everyone is Dead
before the blood even begins
to crawl up the wind pipe.
CROSSROAD
cross·road
noun \ˈkrȯs-ˌrōd also -ˈrōd\
Definition of CROSSROAD
1: a road that crosses a main road or runs cross-country between main roads
2: usually plural but singular or plural in construction
a : the place of intersection of two or more roads
b (1) : a small community located at such a crossroads (2) :a central meeting place
c : a crucial point especially where a decision must be made
New Old Silent Year
Artless kisses in the unsparkling grey of January morning
Your face is made of pores and deep, distant gazes
That refuse to shake hands with the light
Even while the dawn combs quiet comfort through your eyelashes.
Fluttering wings congeal to the inner cavern of the skull,
so many curled words, like overworked ribbon, exhausted fluttering
Beating against the stickiness of silence,
the fear of escape.
The wasted concrete is ablaze behind us and yet
we pull up, in desperate fury,
Wheeling about to face the inferno,
and returning, certain that we’d missed something
In a fitful abandonment of curiosity.
if it was sunny and not so cold it would be a very nice day out here
New
new
adjective
\ˈnü, ˈnyü\
definition of “new”
1 having recently come into existence : recent, modern
2 a (1) : having been seen, used, or known for a short time : novel (rice was a new crop for the area) (2) : unfamiliar (visit new places)
b : being other than the former or old (a steady flow of new money)
3 having been in a relationship or condition but a short time (new to the job, a new husband)
4 a : beginning as the resumption or repetition of a previous act or thing (a new day, the new edition)
b : made or become fresh (awoke a new person)
c : relating to or being a new moon
5 different from one of the same category that has existed previously (new realism)
6 of dissimilar origin and usually of superior quality (a new strain of hybrid corn)
7 capitalized : modern 3; especially : having been in use after medieval times
new·ish, new·ness
Sincerely, Yours Truly: An Open Letter To Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger
Ed. Note: Sincerely, Yours Truly is a column that has gone dormant for a short amount of time, mostly because we are all so horrified at our own lives that it can occasionally be difficult to be sufficiently horrified at everyone else’s. Luckily, Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne have brought us back from the edge. Thanks for lookin’ out, you two. See more installments of this column here.
Dear Canadian Harbingers Of The End Of Days,
I guess… um… congratulations are in order? It seems that you’ve found your soulessmate in one another, huh? Good. GOOD FOR YOU, Avs and Chads. I truly couldn’t (and WOULDN’T) have picked a more… fitting couple.
Really! You have so much in common: being from the Great Land Up North, questionable hair choices (Chadbert, that old awkward perm look though!), a Kmart sense of style and you’re both musicians of choice for middle schoolers in 2001. I’m honestly surprised it took this long, gang.
I can just imagine your wedding now… A-Cakes, with clip-in pink streaks in your hair, repurposed from your glory days. And C-Dawg, with brand new Oakleys resting on the back of your neck, to compliment the highest quality sweatbands on your wrists! Just book a Journey cover band for the reception and confirm an all Labatt Blue open bar and you’re GOLDEN.
But there is one thing that concerns me, my endearingly douchey duo. Your “meet cute” story is… alarming. According to The Holy Book (People Magazine) and Our Heavenly Father Harvey Levin of TMZ, you two became one when you, Chad, were summoned (by a choir of flatulent demons, I can only assume) to assist with the writing and recording of AL’s new record.
Now, I don’t want to deny either of you happiness. I could never. But I beseech you both, on behalf of the entire world — nay, UNIVERSE — please… no more music. Not a single note, especially if created by the two of you together. Think of the adult contemporary radio stations — they’ll implode from clichéd lyrics alone! The human race can’t handle it! (Where else am I going to hear the same three Eric Clapton songs 14 times a day?)
I can’t deny your incestuous Canadian musician love, guys. But I have to put my foot down when it comes to a creative collaboration that could very well destroy civilization as we know it.
Sincerely, Yours Truly,
A Woman Who Blames Avril Lavigne For Her Middle School Awkwardness
The Last Year on Earth: Day 189: Goodfellas, Wildfires & the KKK
Slow news week. Let’s get straight to the blips.
Blips on our radar:
• Have you guys heard about these wildfires in Colorado and New Mexico? They’re getting pretty out of control. As I’ve said all along, if you wanna avoid some of the crazier shit that happens in this country, you gotta pick a coast, people.
• China has announced that it will continue the expansion of its space program by launching astronauts to dock at a satellite to do experiments or something. I don’t really know. I got bored like half way through the first sentence and stopped reading. Seriously, folks, it’s been a really slow news week.
• Not so fast, China! Whatever boring shit your space program is doing pales in comparison to the awesomeness of OUR space program. NASA launched a motherfuckin’ x-ray telescope into orbit on Wednesday. So when your astronauts are just floating around some lame space module playing with ant farms, remember that we can see through your spacesuits to your underwear. America, for the win.
• A branch of the Ku Klux Klan in Georgia has applied for the state’s Adopt-A-Highway Program. The exalted cyclops of the Klan’s Realm of Georgia (which would be an awesome title if it weren’t for a member of a white supremacist group) had this to say: “We just want to clean up the doggone road. We’re not going to be out there in robes.” Nice try, KKK. We all know that’s exactly how you’ll be out there. Why would a KKK member go clean the roads without his robe on? He’d no longer have anonymity. Also, don’t they ride horses, not cars? Everything about this makes absolutely no sense. These people are racists. They totally have an ulterior motive.
• A newly released report details the “depraved” penguin sex acts witnessed by polar explorers in 1910. The explorers were shocked to find that the penguins engaged in abusive sexual behavior, homosexuality, and even necrophilia. Beware the armies of gay, rapist penguins coming for our corpses after we’re all killed in the apocalypse. Too dark? Sorry, I’ll try to brighten the next one up.
• Henry Hill, the real life mobster cum informant cum minor celebrity made famous by Ray Liotta’s career-making portrayal of him in the Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas, died of cancer at the age of 69. Say hello to Richard Dawson for us!
• The Environmental Protection Agency is proposing stricter air quality standards in an effort to reduce the amount of fine particle pollution released by smokestacks, trucks, buses, and more. Yeah. Ok. Good luck with that, EPA. Amirite, guys?
• SLOW.
• NEWS.
• WEEK.
Reporting from the brink of Armageddon,
“For the apocalypse is most likely already upon us. I shall not repent.”
The Last Year on Earth: Day #196: Almost Half Way There
We’re just a few weeks away from being officially half way through the last year on Earth. And we’ve done so by enduring the hottest spring the U.S. has ever seen to complete the hottest first five months of a calendar year ever, which also just so happens to be part of the hottest twelve-month cycle ever recorded, dating back to last June.
Seriously, people, what will it take to start believing the end is coming?
Do you need somebody to dig up medieval vampire skeletons to prove the apocalypse is on its way? Because archaeologists in Bulgaria just did.
Do you need giant spider attacks? Don’t look now, but northeast India is being terrorized by gargantuan arachnids, and oh yeah, they bite. It’s like the plot of Eight Legged Freaks come to life.
I know what you’re thinking, “Until God Himself sends a plague down upon the land, I shall not believe it to be true.” A worthy proclamation. What’s that? Oh, hello there, government of the West African nation of Mali. What can I help you with? Locusts, you say?! And they’re eating all of your crops? The country’s food supply is rapidly dwindling? Boom. Y’all just got plagued.
There’s plenty of room aboard the Armageddon train. Climb aboard.
Blips on our radar:
Sincerely, Yours Truly: An Open Letter To Miss Amanda Bynes
Dear Amanda of “The Amanda Show” fame,
Ohhh, Amanda. Lil’ Miss B. You’re…you’re having a rough go of things lately, aren’t you? It’s ok! Look, if I spent half my childhood trying to compete with the comedic genius that is Kenan Thompson, I’d be a little worse for wear too. (Seriously, have you seen his performance in D2: Mighty Ducks? Quack INDEED.)
Anyway, A-Cakes, I’m writing to you because when I was doing my regular Twitter search of former child stars (yo, make sure you check out the little girl from Matilda {@MaraWritesStuff}- SHE’S MAD SMART) I saw you {@AmandaBynes} Tweeted a little something to our President {@BarackObama}. THE President. Of the United States. About your DUI…
I just think maybe there’s a better platfo- yes, yes, we all know you entered a not guilty plea. And that’s fine! I…believe you? I meant to say that more definitively, I’m sorry. But Bynesy, please, please don’t drag Barry into this. He’s a little busy! The man’s got two kids, a Mitt Romney situation and Jimmy Fallon blowing up his phone already. (Really though, the guy won’t quit it with the emoticons. Woof.)
I would suggest that you retire from social media like you once did from acting, but I know just how addictive the Internet can be, B. (NO YOU DON’T NEED TO LOOK AT MY TUMBLR GET OUT.)
Anyway, why don’t you try tweeting at some celebs that are MORE than willing to give you a hand? Sure, sure, they might not have as much pull as say…President Barack Obama, but look, I’m sure Roseanne {@TheRealRoseanne} has some major connects in LA law enforcement! And yeah, she may be a little busy in the wife-ing up process (to a damn HEMSWORTH, no less) but you better believe Miley Cyrus {@MileyCyrus} “gets you” on the showbiz kid and hot mess express levels.
But if you are really serious about this Tweeting re: possible community service/rehab/incarceration stuff, you know exactly who to go to. It’s about time Lohan does her mentoring duty anyway.
Sincerely,
Yours Truly
