Sincerely, Yours Truly: An Open Letter To Seal and Heidi Klum
Ed Note: Katie Young has a lot to say to you people, but by “you people” we mostly mean “celebrities that do crazy shit in the news.” So there’s that, yeah? To see other installments of this column, click here.
Dear Ex-Mr. & Mrs. Klum-Sealstein,
Forgive me in advance if this letter seems a bit scattered- I’m still reeling from the news of your…well, your divorce. It pains me to even say such a thing, Seidi (or is it Heal? That’s already a word…)
I’ve been sobbing into a Pringles can since I found out (and maybe even before then, whatever) and it just doesn’t make sense! How could something that made SO MUCH SENSE in the first place fall apart so suddenly?
You had me fooled, guys. I was convinced you were the real deal. A couple that renews their vows annually surely has nothing to worry about and definitely isn’t trying to prove anything. And call me old fashioned, but I thought it meant something when you professed your undying love for your mate publicly, with invitation tag lines like “Five Years: Piece of Cake.”
More like “Piece of FAKE”! (Yes, Bruce Villanch and I are writing partners.) And what about the famous Halloween parties, you two? What am I to think of those? I want to put on a wedding dress and then light myself on fire thinking about the fact that your mutual love of all things spooky may have been exaggerated, or even worse- a fabricated PR angle.
I see you’ve already gone on the offensive, appearing on talk shows and OK-ing your publicists’ mature and level headed quotes so they can feed your bewildered public through the likes of the evil People Magazine and US Weekly. But I know better than that - I read Dlisted.com, dammit!
So what was it, then? The fact that your one kid is waaay less cute than the other? (It’s undisputable, COME ON!) Or was it the time Heidi had cornrows? Certain outlets are pointing to Seal’s apparent anger management problem, but I refuse to believe a man who contributed to the Space Jam soundtrack is like that.
God, now I’m getting angry. How does “BITCH SLAP From a Rose,” sound Seal? That one was definitely Bruce’s…and maybe inappropriate, considering Seal’s…never mind. Now I have to pick a new favorite WTF couple, and that ain’t easy. I can get Lyle Lovett to date Chili from TLC, right?
Anyway, here’s to the new chapter in your lives, jerks - I hope you find “The One” (again) soon.
Sincerely,
Yours Truly,
Katie “Love Is Dead Forever” Young
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dearratbastards reblogged this from ginger-snap-style and added:
Look, we really need to get Seal and Heidi Klum to see this. WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM FROM THIS PAIN THAT WE ARE ALL...
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ginger-snap-style reblogged this from icarntspell and added:
She’s a genius, my sister.
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icarntspell reblogged this from underwaterminefield and added:
It’s uuuuup! Please, please, like...pretty sure he needs it.
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underwaterminefield posted this
